last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
