Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
