Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
