i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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