so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
