Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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