Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
