After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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