I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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