Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
