your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
