I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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