You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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