whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize