I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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