He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
