I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
