i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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