I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
