That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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