So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
