Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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