Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
