fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
