Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
