As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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