I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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