It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
