you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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