You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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