Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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