The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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