I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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