Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize