we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
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you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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