I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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