i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
