goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
