he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
