i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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