So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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