Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
