FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
