My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
