I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
