Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(706): View more from Georgia

New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.

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(806): View more from Texas

apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come

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