you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
