Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ladies don't puke and tell
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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