you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
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I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
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gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.