You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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