But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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