My sheets look like a crime scene.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
