i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
