my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
