genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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