Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
