True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We need a shit load of segways right now
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Pants are for mortals
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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