i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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