I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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