I accidentally had phone sex last night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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