i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
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