my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
