I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
