Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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